Yeh, like I use the word Ponderisms all the time…….
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Can you cry under water?
-How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
-Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
-Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-What disease did cured ham actually have?
-How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
-Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
-Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
-Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
-Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
-Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
-Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
-If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
-Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
-If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
-If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
-Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
-Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Blogger joe said…
“baby oil”.. haha
January 15, 2010 1:56 PM
Blogger Zoe said…
Loved this post.
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January 18, 2010 1:10 AM
Anonymous Peggy said…
Those are all good! Enjoyed them.
January 18, 2010 5:16 PM